When I was an undergraduate at university, we had a week-long series of events for people who are not yet Christians to come and find out about the Lord Jesus. We had a series of talks, one a night for a week, on Luke's Gospel, and the speaker was the now late Australian evangelist John Chapman — Chappo to his friends.
Chappo had been doing evangelistic work for a long time. In 1977, he led an evangelistic mission to Sydney University, at which there were four lunchtime talks: Christ and Work, Christ and Sex, Christ and Leisure, Christ and Death. The event entitled Christ and Sex had double the turnout of any of the other events and received coverage in the main newspaper for New South Wales and on their equivalent of BBC Breakfast television.
John's biographer notes that after observing this, Chappo stoutly declared that from then on he was planning to call all his talks God and Sex. It's a topic that gets attention — but not always.
Proverbs chapter 5 warns us against adultery, and for some people, your reaction will go, “Oh, this will be an interesting sermon.” Others maybe slightly dread this sermon, either because of pain or guilt.
So pain is a factor for some. I am well aware that there are people who have been so hurt by others, or have seen their wider family or families of their friends torn apart. That means that this topic is profoundly painful for you. I'm aware of that, and let me at the very outset say to you: if I inadvertently reawaken old pain this morning and you come away with scars slightly reopened, I apologise, and that is not my intention.
I will be as careful as I can, but we're fragile, raw human beings, and I cannot promise what effect these words from Proverbs will have on you. Just to say — as your pastors, we have many privileges, and one of them is walking with people in their pain. So if discovering this morning that you have unresolved pain, and you want people in the church to walk with you through that, then talk to us. Or even if it's to say, “Help me find someone I can walk with,” please do.
But the other issue — the other reason why some dread this — is because of guilt. Many of us have made choices. Many of us have done things that still live with us, and we still live with the shame and the consequences of past actions. No matter how much we know that God forgives us, God does not always remove from us the consequences of the things that we do.
And that's why the other Bible reading we had this morning was from Luke chapter 7, in which we meet the beautiful gentleness, compassion and forgiveness of the Lord Jesus. We need to read Proverbs chapter 5 with that other reading ringing in our ears and against that backdrop. And we're going to return to that thought at the end of our talk together this morning.
So I've got two things that Proverbs 5 has to say to us: the first from verses 1 to 4, and then the second from verses 15 to the end of the chapter.
1. Stay far from the appeal of deadly adultery
So first: stay far from the appeal of deadly adultery. Stay far from the appeal of deadly adultery.
Now, the first thing that needs to be said here is this chapter is about both men and women. And I say that because some people misread parts of the Bible to say that women are dangerous and men should be very fearful and careful of women.
“The problem in the Garden of Eden,” they say, “was Eve, and if Adam had been a bit wiser to his dangerous wife, things would have gone so very differently.” Well, that misreads the Garden of Eden. The problem in the Garden of Eden was Adam, who shouldn't have let the serpent anywhere near his wife.
I can actually think of more examples in Old Testament narrative of adultery stories where the man was the instigator than the woman. So that just isn't true.
Now, within the book of Proverbs, wisdom — which is a good thing — is portrayed both in male and female terms, interestingly. So in chapter 1, verse 20 (that we looked at a few weeks ago — and this is anticipating the whole of chapter 9), Wisdom and Folly are two women, each calling out for people to come and listen to them. So Wisdom, as the woman you should listen to, is prominent throughout Proverbs.
But also in the opening chapters of Proverbs, the figure of speech that's being used is of a father passing on advice to his young sons as they're about to enter adult life. That's just a figure of speech that's been chosen, and this passage is set within that figure of speech — which is why Proverbs 5 is addressed in the form of a man speaking to his boys. But that doesn't mean that the warnings and the encouragements here only point that way. So assume that everything we say this morning applies to men and women equally. And it is a symmetrical passage.
1(a) The appeal of adultery
So, firstly, we see here the appeal of adultery.
So here's verse 3:
For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil.
So this is honey at its very sweetest — when it's still literally dripping from the honeycomb. And then smooth oil on your skin is the smoothest, softest thing that you could imagine. So this is inviting you into a path of adultery, portraying it as something that is full of pleasure, involving all of your senses. Reasons why, in your circumstances, this would be okay — maybe even presenting those reasons in Christian language:
“God is present when we're happy together. God is a God of love. You've had a hard enough time. God wants you to experience some love and intimacy in your life.”
1(b) Deadly appeal
The appeal. But it's deadly. Look at the contrast in verse 4:
But in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
No longer the sweetest thing you can think of — now the bitterest thing you can think of. No longer the smoothest thing you can think of — but the sharpest, pointiest thing you can think of.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
This is a vivid picture. So here's the picture: you've finished in this woman's home, and you leave the house to go home at the end of the day. But you don't leave the front door to your car — the steps down from the door of the house go straight to the place of the dead.
It stops you thinking of eternity. This is verse 6:
She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.
Let me give you a tiny little grammar lesson just for a moment, okay?
In some tenses in ancient Hebrew, the second person masculine singular is indistinguishable from the third person feminine singular.
What do you say?
Okay — right — second person: “you”. Third person: “he”, “she” or “it”. Singular: you (one person). Third person singular: he, she or it — not they, okay? So the same words for second masculine singular (“you, young man”) as for the third feminine singular (“she”).
So you have to say — this could be either. It could be “you”, could be “she”. So therefore, verse 6 could read like this:
You give no thought to the way of life.
Her paths wander aimlessly — you do not know it.
In other words, it is not in her interest for you to think about the eternal consequences of what you do, because if you for one moment latch your thoughts onto eternity, you'll break off the relationship.
So she will shift her paths. She will be shape-shifting — to stop you from thinking about eternity, to keep the relationship going. So she will keep you from church. She will keep you from other Christians. She will keep you from your Bible. She will keep you from your conscience.
Next deadly thing: you'll lose your dignity. This is verse 9:
Lest you lose your honour to others
and your dignity to one who is cruel.
If word gets out of what you've done, your reputation will be in tatters. And that opens up the possibility of living under the oppression of blackmail — which is the reference, I think, to one who is cruel.
Next: it's impoverishing. This is verse 10:
Lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich the house of another.
Whether it's child support payments, the need to have two separate accommodations, or just a lavish lifestyle with somebody else to be funded and maintained — he's saying adultery is extremely expensive.
And then: regret. Verse 11:
At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
You will say, “How I hated discipline!
How my heart spurned correction!
I would not obey my teachers
or turn my ear to my instructors.”
“One day,” he says, “you will look back and you will see a life wasted, opportunities lost — and you will wish you had listened to those who tried to tell you.”
And then, last one: verse 14 is the disapproval of God’s people:
I was soon in serious trouble
in the assembly of God’s people.
The church — the church family you love — disapproving of what you've done. Sure, you'll find some people within the church who approve, but broadly not — and maybe even applying various sanctions to try to win you back.
Now, it does beg the question, doesn't it — does adultery actually lead to death? I mean, really?
Well, let's say there are more kinds of death than just physical death. There's lots of death in this chapter. But Solomon knew that — about the dangers of physical death as well.
Solomon, who wrote most of the book of Proverbs, had an older brother. Did you know that? We don't actually know his name — and that's because his older brother died aged seven days.
Solomon and his older brother had the same parents. David was their dad; their mother was a lady called Bathsheba. And the older brother was conceived while she was still married to a man called Uriah.
In King David's case, adultery was fatal.
And so, against the backdrop of appeal and yet deadliness, the writer of this chapter has two pieces of wisdom for us to live by.
1(c) Pay attention to God’s words
The first is, he says, pay attention to God's words. This is verse one: My son, pay attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. He's saying that willpower and self-control is not enough. If you are to persevere living for God and escape this deadly trap, you need the word of God ringing in your ears louder than all the appeals of other things in front of you. Pay attention to God's words.
1(d) Stay far away
And his second piece of advice is this: stay far away. Stay far away. Verse 7: Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house. The literal picture here is really quite clear, isn't it? Would you advise a recovering alcoholic, walking home from work, to choose a route that goes past his former pub? No. Take a different route, even if it's a long way around. So, literally, it's quite clear: don't pick a route past her door, because one day you will only go and ring the bell.
But actually, this is good advice for all temptation. It's not just literal—it's a general picture. He's saying, don't live your life sailing as close to the wind as you can get away with. Instead, stay as far away from danger as you can.
Now, this is particularly good advice, I think, for unmarried young people, who—it's my observation—regularly ask the question, how physical can our relationship become before it's gone too far? And this says that is totally the wrong question. The right question is: how can we conduct ourselves so that we are as far away from danger as we can be?
So there's the first half of this chapter. The appeal of sex with someone you are not married to is so strong that we need to see how deadly it is. Otherwise, the appeal will pull you in, because you won't give it the widest berth possible.
My dad used to keep an interesting collection of different insectivorous plants. You’ll have come across, for example, the Venus fly-trap. A little green plant, leaves are only about so big, but it's two green leaves angled like that, with little spikes on the end, and it's got little sensors inside. And the moment a fly lands on it, it instantly closes, and then dissolves the fly for its dinner. And there are others that are an ice cream cone shape, and once something starts to walk inside, it can't walk back up and out. And again, it becomes the dinner of the plant.
They're quite fun things. It means that you develop interesting habits, like when you have a spider in your house, rather than put it outside the door, stamp on it, or hoover it up, you feed it to your house-plants. But there we go.
How do these plants work? How do they not die? (Spiders, by the way, are thick. They spin webs in the most stupid places where there will never be any flies—and they do die.) These plants, however, are not so thick. They are designed to give off smells that will be attractive to insects, so they will come and land, thinking they offer their favourite meal. But the moment they've landed, it is too late, and the fly is caught. Stay far from the appeal of deadly adultery.
2. Draw close in the intimacy of faithful marriage
Second heading, for the second half of the chapter: draw close in the intimacy of faithful marriage. Draw close in the intimacy of faithful marriage.
Now, this gets sensitive at this point, and I'm going to explain how he presents marriage here as one way to guard against adultery. Now, that's going to throw loads of questions into your head, and I'm going to try and anticipate them and deal with them.
I am aware lots of folk in this church are not married, and for not all of you is that a matter of choice. And for some folk, that may be actually a painful reality—that that is the case. This chapter, however, holds out marriage as one way to avoid the death trap we've just been talking about, but without disadvantaging those who are not married. So I think he steers a very careful and very helpful path for us.
The picture here is a picture of faithful marriage. So this is verse 18: May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. So this anticipates a time when you will not be young, and it sets before you a picture for that time of lifelong delight in the person you married when you were young. It's a picture of deep faithfulness and lifelong commitment.
Now, these verses are poetry, and I want us to notice three pieces of the imagery that are in this chapter.
2(a) Water
The first piece of imagery we get is that of water. Now, in Britain in autumn there is too much water. Here's verse 15, and then we'll think how this appeal works: Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Imagine, instead of living in Scarborough in October, you live in a hot, dry, arid country, where maybe there's only rain two months of the year and you have to collect the water when it rains, because then there won't be any for another six months. In the 35-degree heat—that is not your holiday, but your attempt to grow crops and eke out a living—suddenly water is immensely appealing. It is refreshing; it is life-giving. And he is saying here, drink deeply. You have, he says, a private, limitless supply to quench your thirst, to meet your needs.
Which makes verse 16 particularly vivid language when you think about it: Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? He's saying, why would you drink from the public water fountain when you have a private tap at home?
That's one image: water.
2(b) Beauty
Second image: beauty. Verse 19: A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always. This is a picture of a deer, a picture of elegance, picture of grace, picture of beauty. Just to note, the Bible is quite happy to use, in a few carefully chosen places, almost quite sort of racy language. It's vivid, erotic poetry—and deliberately so.
Now, we need to just pause at this point and remind ourselves that we live in a broken world in which nothing in this world is as God intended from the beginning. And therefore, this is not saying that every experience of sexual intimacy will be an experience of limitless, flawless pleasure, delight and beauty and everything is wonderful. Far from it. In a broken world, all kinds of problems and pain need fixing, and what was intended for beauty can be a source of distress. But the design of the Creator is as painted here: water, beauty.
By the way, on that note—aren't you glad that this is about committed, faithful relationship, where the ongoing security of that relationship is not hinged on any notion of performance, or satisfaction, or am I getting my end of the deal? Because it's about lifelong commitment. Isn't that wonderful? How secure.
Beauty, water.
2(c) Intoxication
Third is intoxication. Verse 19: May you ever be intoxicated with her love. He's saying, get drunk—not literally, don't do that—but get lost in the moment, lost in each other, lost in love.
Which sets up the contrast with verse 20: Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man's wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? Why seek this with someone else when you can have this from your own spouse?
So, his message is really clear: if you're married, drink deeply. Enjoy it.
Single? Get married? … ?
What if you're not married? He's got two answers for us, and actually we all need to hear, whether you're married or not, these two answers—because they're really important things.
For some, the answer if you're not married could be: to get married. Now, it's not always that simple. Okay. I'm aware of that. It's not simple for a whole load of reasons.
Back to pain: some people have had painful experiences that mean that any thought of getting married is just too painful to face. And actually, sadly, you have been brought by somebody else to a position where it's unthinkable.
You need to marry a Christian—that's absolutely non-negotiable if you're a Christian. And that's a pretty big restriction, actually, for some people—especially for women. Most young single women are in churches where there are lots of other young single women, and very few young single men.
So, get married—but marry a Christian. Kind of, yeah, great, thanks.
Resist the pressure to marry an unbeliever just for the sake of it. Don't do that. And he's certainly not saying to marry in haste. When you say, you know, maybe the answer is to get married, it doesn't mean you go and grab a stranger off the street and go, Hey—let's get— married?
No. Marriage flows from friendship and a growing love. And he's not saying, choose unwisely. Wisely and carefully make this choice. It's not to say rush it. But for some, this is the answer.
Just put it against this backdrop: why does society not value lifelong commitment in marriage? The average age at which people get married in England is going up dramatically. The average age at which both men and women get married is currently between 35 and 40. It used to be late 20s. I was really shocked. I thought, "Let's look up what the stats are," and I could not believe what I saw. Society does not value that commitment now.
For some people who are not married, singleness is a really good path to choose, and Jesus was clear: those who choose that path—or, more exactly, those who are called to that path for whatever season of their life—will be given the grace they need to flourish in that context, rather than resent it and struggle. So for some, singleness is the right path, of course, for you.
But if you're friends with a godly Christian of the opposite sex, you both want to get married, you both like the idea of this relationship becoming a committed one—kind of, why not? I mean, in the flow of friendship and all that stuff—not forced—but actually, don't close it off as much as some people do before they even think.
What's the opposite extreme? Some people have kind of an engagement that lasts 10 years. You say, "What's that about?" Some friend wisely said to me once that engagement period is like a gas in physics. I said, "What?" "Yeah, engagement is like a gas—it will expand to fill the space available for it. If you want 20 years of your life planning a wedding, have an engagement for 20 years, and 20 years of your life will be spent planning a wedding."
The Christian son of a friend of mine—he's about the same age as me, roughly—recently got engaged. They're 19. They're planning to get married at the age of 20. She's a couple of years older than him. Now, I bet their non-Christian friends said, "What are you doing? Have some fun, live a little for a couple of decades, then settle down." It's pretty counter-cultural.
Now again, do not mishear. I'm not saying rush into it in haste, thoughtlessly, unwisely. No, no, no, no, no. In fact, I'm told there's a TV programme on at the moment—for those who still watch linear TV, which is not many of us. It's a reality thing in which they get 10 couples who have never met each other and get them married. The first time they meet each other is at a wedding, so that cameras can then follow their attempt to build a friendship with the person that they've just married—and the rest of the nation can gawp as some relationships survive and some don't.
That is as much of an abuse of God's good gift of marriage as any of the other stuff we've been talking about. I'm not saying go that extreme. But for some, the answer is to get married.
What if not?
Now, I can anticipate a couple of points at which some of you might be pushing back a little. One is to say, "What do I do if I haven't found anybody that I'm attracted to yet? What if I'm not attracted to people of the opposite sex at all?" To which I would say, it may indeed be unwise to marry somebody you're not attracted to. There are all kinds of problems that you could have if you marry somebody you're not attracted to. I'm not telling you to do that. But who said that—not the Bible.
Attraction can be learned, and the idea that you couldn't even think about it without some kind of particular thing there first—well, that's probably more from Hollywood, and that's probably more fed from the author Jane Austen than anything else.
The other push-back could be people saying, "I can't afford it." Well, no, you can't—if you want a £20k party, sure. There are loads of ways to keep the cost down for a wedding. Pastor Lee and I wouldn't charge you a penny for our time. Why not bring and share lunch for a reception? Wasn't it good last week? And who needs a wedding cake when you can cut a knife into a pile of puff-puff?
Do you want to get married, or do you want to have a party? Now, many people can manage both, and it's joyful and it's wonderful. But don't not get married because you can't afford the party!
A clinical, cynical view?
Now, some of you might also be thinking, "Hang on a minute. Marriage is God's answer to a problem of self-control? That's a bit clinical, it's a bit nasty—come on, be a bit more romantic than that!" Actually, just stop and think—what a God we've got. Here's a thing: self-control. What is God's answer to that problem? To give you something so pleasurable that you do not want to look elsewhere, and to give the opportunity to love and care for another human being. What a solution God has come up with.
Well, where are we? Draw close in the intimacy of faithful marriage.
What if you're not married? Maybe get married. Not the answer for everyone.
Here's the second answer, and this is the key for all of us who are married as well, which is: look at Jesus.
Look at Jesus
Look at Jesus. You see, Jesus never married. Jesus was the ultimate wise man. Jesus never committed adultery—which straight away tells you that marriage to another human being is not necessary to live faithfully before God.
Now why not? Well, because a human marriage only foreshadows the better relationship between Christ and his church. So go away later and read Ephesians 5:22–33, in which the Apostle Paul talks about the relationship between Jesus and his church, and the Apostle Paul talks about the relationship between a husband and wife. And then he says this: the reality is Christ and the church. Human marriage is just the visual aid.
Which means, if you know Jesus, then in eternity you will have everything that marriage points to. The relationship with Jesus is not a romantic relationship, but actually, it will deliver everything that romance can give you at its best.
But if you know Jesus and you're not married, you've not missed a thing. But if you don't know Jesus but you are married, you will miss out on the real deal.
You might remember the story of Jesus in John chapter 4. Jesus is talking to a woman who has had five husbands, and her current man is not her husband. Significantly, where do they meet for this conversation? At a well.
Oh, so here's John chapter 4—here we go:
John 4: Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water."
And then:
Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water in the well will be thirsty again. But whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Jesus looks at the woman. He says, "Look at me." And then he kind of says, without quoting, "Drink water from your own cistern." If you have Jesus, streams of living water will flow from within you.
So why be intoxicated in love with someone who is not your husband or wife? What can they give you that Jesus can't?
Conclusion
So there's some wisdom from Proverbs for today. Sleeping with someone you're not married to is very appealing—but is utterly deadly. So stay far away. Instead, God has given the gift of marriage to be enjoyed. So live your life in the loving arms of Jesus.
But let's finish back on a note of grace—this time from John chapter 8. They bring to Jesus a woman who's been caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. They're quick to point this out. The people who bring this woman to Jesus want her steps to go straight down to the grave for what she's done.
What does Jesus do? He says, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." And one by one, they disappeared—until it was just Jesus and the woman.
"Has no one condemned you?"
"No, sir."
"Then neither do I condemn you. Go now, and leave your life of sin."
So if this is an area of life where you know guilt and failure, Jesus does call you to leave your sins behind—but all in the context of his precious, precious words:
"Neither do I condemn you."